Sleep...where did you go?

I don't know what happened to the whole sleeping at night soundly thing, but it aint working for me. Maybe because of the abuse I put it through in high school and college only getting 5-6 hours of sleep at night and then sleeping past 12 hours on the weekend when I could *sighs*

Of course I realize it has something to do with my mysterious sickness but still such a strange situation to be in, to be at war with sleep. On the weekends when I dont have to wake up at 6am for work the next day, I sometimes will purposely stay up until midnight just so I'm so tired when I fall asleep that perhaps I will sleep more soundly. Yet that's a rarity seeing as I'm always so tired, 8pm constantly calls my name and begs me to sleep then.

Oh how I remember the days when sleep and I used to have a united front.

an unhealthy obsession...

okay it's time to confess something, i have an unhealthy obsession...with....

TAYLOR SWIFT

 It seriously started the second I heard Tim McGraw playing on the radio, I thought oh my gosh who is this young girl and why am i obsessed with this song?! Oh man thus it began. I've seen the symptoms before in the past with my Mary-Kate & Ashley obsession (that was bad, I still have it when it comes to them), along with
Shirley Temple, Princess Diana, Tara Lipinski, Christina Aguilera, Sandra Bullock, John Travolta, umm I think that's it. Um is it weird that they are all females? my obsessions? Is this normal? I just have looked up to them and still do I swear i think it's normal. I love them so much. Its healthy right?

Okay Miss Taylor Swift is the epitome of a true star. She's down to earth, charismatic, full of life and love, talented, heartfelt, and most importantly humble. I get sooo defensive when someone says that they don't like her or they think she has no talent its ridiculous, as if I know her so well that I have the business to be standing up for her..I don't, but I still do it. My boyfriend thinks i'm ridiculous and crazy but I can't help it if Taylor Swift actually helps my happiness level. About 3 months ago I think, I was having the worst day ever and I came home to find two magazines with taylor swift on the cover. Um it was a bit odd, in one second, I was ecstatic and bouncing off the walls like a 5 year old kid in a candy store. My mood was absolutely uplifted within the blink of an eye. Sometimes when my boss is being a booger or family is having issues or friends are bugging out on me, I'll just start humming taylor swift and i get this freakish smile across my face. Actually let me just be fully honest, as if I haven't already, I always am singing Taylor Swift and I am always smiling because of it.

Again I repeat, is this normal? Totally hope it is!

Her songs speak straight to my heart, uplift my spirits, turn my frown upside down. Not just her songs, but her presence in this world. 

Pretty sure if there were no t.swift I'd live such a less happy life.

<3 She's amazing.End.Of.Story.I love her! <3

Now the party don't start til I walk in....

oh my gosh my birthday week was amazing!! Filled with wonderful friends, my love, laughter, dancing, singing, movies, talking, just pure happiness.

Friday night was my stampede birthday party and boy was that a night to remember, or was it? Okay so people who know me know i'm not a party girl, like the super crazy ones, but i'm crazy in my own way. And i investigated the type of drinks I could have and since I was off for the next four days decided to do something i've never done in my 27 years of existence....I GOT DRUNK! Now I wouldn't say hammered plastered out of my mind drunk, nope definitely not, but I was intoxidated and i'm glad to say i'm a fun drunk! I am even goofier and funnier than normal, glad we cleared that up. But I did not like feeling sick part, totally almost threw up, scurry stuff, so would i do it again, eh probably night, am i a loser? eh no but super dorky!

It was such an amazing night, it started off a little rocky because a lot of people ended up canceling last minute and I got scared my party wouldn't be a pooper, but my best friend jenny was there and she really just brought the mood up and my other friends came and it was an epic night, those that didn't make it, durn i missed you!!! Those that were there, damn you guys are something special!

Biffle & the Boyfriend

I felt so beautiful that night

turned my night around

The dancing was awesome, my friends Amanda and Mikey were totally into it, made me happy! Shawnee & Mar got me Nintendo 64 with games and my favorite MARIO KART!!!! frickin A best gift!!!! Bri was our DD and such a trooper with her bum knee, Marlee is always a hoot and hates the stampede but wouldn't let it show, give her some booze and she'll like it. Isabel showed up for a while which made my night, and boyfriend came which made me feel special because he hates that kind of stuff. And of course biffle was my biffle amazing as always, and hey shawnee showed up at my house to eat a cupcake and he did not join us at the stampede in fear of...well...nevermind

The gang hanging at my house!

Amanda my hardcore dancing buddy

Kat came all the way from LA!

Oh my gosh Sunday night with Stephanie & Becks and their lovely men was just wonderful!
They made me a delicious gluten free/dairy free meal, I had my very own birthday plate to eat off of, we took pictures galore, and I got to see Stephanie & Stephen's house and see my dear friend after so long. It was just a beautiful night, it was funny, I didn't want to leave them, I didn't care about how tired I was, I seriously didn't want to leave.

Been best friends since 7th grade, that's epic

Love this girl so much

beautiful flowers

My bestest, my constant

my birthday plate I got to eat off of

My actual BIRTHday was spent with my best friend Becky seeing a movie and shopping and birthday night was spent with the boyfriend, it was an amazing week full of love and friends and happiness.

I'm blessed <3

 

the time is now...

I just spent the last hour on facebook de-tagging unflattering pictures of myself & deleting comments where I put myself down. Its embarrassing both things.Im going to be pretty candid here, I've had a horrible self image of myself since maybe I was 11 or 12 years old when I stopped gymnastics and dance, I got more muscular and got a tummy. I struggled with eating disorders starting in 6th grade and it didn't get really bad until high school. The longest I went without eating was 5 days, I remember thinking you don't want to die, you just don't want to be this fat blob anymore. So I was classified as having a binge eating disorder meaning i'd starve myself and then be so hungry that I would eat an obscene amount of food and then punish myself for it and the cycle would continue.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am beautiful because God made me beautiful with his love, but when I look at myself don't just see the beauty, I see every single flaw.

From freshman year to senior year I was a mere 124 pounds, pretty much never wavered and if i did I could easily get back down to it. It was a perfect amount for me, yet I wasn't treating my body well. I played tennis 6-7 days a week and was pretty active and I definitely did not eat as much as i burned. I got dumped senior year of high school which triggered a weight gain as I fought through my sadness. In college I got a little bit better, started losing weight and getting happier once I started dating Jeffrey. Then 2006 being hit with a mysterious disease and forced onto steroids, I gained a whopping 40 pounds. One of the worst decisions of my life was not getting a second opinion, which my regular doc has told me because the weight gain didn't help my disease at all. As I was diagnosed with uranium poisoning I went on a rigorous schedule of keelation therapy to get the poison out of my system. It has taken me 4 years to lose 30 pounds, but I still have 40 more to go and I have finally reached a point in my life that I get that my disease holds me back from being active, but I have to find ways around that and give me my life back. I need to look at myself in the mirror and see a healthy beautiful woman staring back at me. I guess I just feel easily defeated because I see my flaws and can't seem to think I can fix them. I want my tummy gone, my arms and legs tinier, and the rest of me tighter. Maybe I'm lazy, I'm not sure, I guess in a way I feel like i've already failed, so I figure why keep trying.

Well I want to have babies someday that's what I keep in my mind. I want to be able to get pregnant and have a wonderful pregnancy and a healthy baby. Knowing how badly I want to be a mom, that is now, at this time in my life, driving me to want to be better and make a change.

I know that eating disorders don't ever leave, I'm well aware of that, I struggle with it every day of my life. My mind plays tricks on me whispering that I can only have one normal meal a day, the rest just snacks. Its a poisonous way of thinking. I dont care if I have to struggle with it for the rest of my life, as long as I get one step ahead of it and start making a bigger difference in my life, I know I can do it.

I gotta start sometime and it might as well be now....

NO weapon against thee shall prosper

And faith rests on this one absolute: 

“No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper…” (Isaiah 54:17).

My mom sent me this one day, really spoke true to what we have going on in our personal lives. You who have faith in God and His word can rest with the truth that whoever is against you God will taken care of. The atmosphere that I work in is not entirely the healthiest place for me at the moment and I recognize that. This time in my life my illness really rests on calmness and peace and joy. I can't have drama and ill mannered people walking around bringing me down. I finally am recognizing this and I am handling it, for the most part, a lot better. Understanding that I cannot change these people for the better, I can only simply worry about myself. And that's what I do, I focus on myself and keeping myself happy as well as those around me that truly matter to me. I WILL NOT waste my time on selfish people and their evil ways. I know that if I am true to myself and to God "no weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper". Thus I will just keep living my life and SMILE SMILE SMILE!

I have God's protection against the evil of the world, what a comfort.

Live Laugh Love

I find myself needing to remind myself of these three choice words "live.laugh.love". Live for the day ahead of you, laugh at the good & bad, and love the Lord & others with all your heart. Crazy how if I say those three words to myself I can change my attitude for the rest of the day.

Whether its someone forgetting to listen before speaking, someone being quick to anger, someone in authority forgetting to be an example, someone too tired to give a smile, or someone saying i hate you instead of i love you.... I just think people get in the rush of life and the worry of whats tomorrow to remember to be true representatives of God's love. I have to often times remind myself, especially with a retail job like I have, to tell myself to not let others bring me down or as my lovely co-workers and boyfriend tell me "kill the 'em with kindness".

I remember one day there was a pretty rude older lady who had no patience for me and I could feel in my heart that I shouldn't be quick or short with her in return, instead, I leaned over my counter and put my hand on hers and said "I'm sorry I'm all yours, explain just exactly what you'd like" She looked up at me with teary eyes and smiled....20 minutes later what she needed was done. I barely remember what she wanted done but I just remember her sharing with me before she left that her husband had passed away and he did everything for her and she felt lost without him. I hugged her and as she walked away I thanked God for being in my heart and letting me know I needed patience and love in that moment.

YOU never know what people are going thru in their lives. Smile at a stranger walking by, open a door for an elderly couple holding hands, give a free copy to someone struggling to pay bills, tell someone you'll pray for them, tell someone every day how much you love them. Time flies, love grows and dies, laughter never ends.

"LIVE LAUGH LOVE" 

--& if you can't do either of the three give it to God...go to sleep, wake up the next day and try again...