I just spent the last hour on facebook de-tagging unflattering pictures of myself & deleting comments where I put myself down. Its embarrassing both things.Im going to be pretty candid here, I've had a horrible self image of myself since maybe I was 11 or 12 years old when I stopped gymnastics and dance, I got more muscular and got a tummy. I struggled with eating disorders starting in 6th grade and it didn't get really bad until high school. The longest I went without eating was 5 days, I remember thinking you don't want to die, you just don't want to be this fat blob anymore. So I was classified as having a binge eating disorder meaning i'd starve myself and then be so hungry that I would eat an obscene amount of food and then punish myself for it and the cycle would continue.
Don't get me wrong, I know I am beautiful because God made me beautiful with his love, but when I look at myself don't just see the beauty, I see every single flaw.
From freshman year to senior year I was a mere 124 pounds, pretty much never wavered and if i did I could easily get back down to it. It was a perfect amount for me, yet I wasn't treating my body well. I played tennis 6-7 days a week and was pretty active and I definitely did not eat as much as i burned. I got dumped senior year of high school which triggered a weight gain as I fought through my sadness. In college I got a little bit better, started losing weight and getting happier once I started dating Jeffrey. Then 2006 being hit with a mysterious disease and forced onto steroids, I gained a whopping 40 pounds. One of the worst decisions of my life was not getting a second opinion, which my regular doc has told me because the weight gain didn't help my disease at all. As I was diagnosed with uranium poisoning I went on a rigorous schedule of keelation therapy to get the poison out of my system. It has taken me 4 years to lose 30 pounds, but I still have 40 more to go and I have finally reached a point in my life that I get that my disease holds me back from being active, but I have to find ways around that and give me my life back. I need to look at myself in the mirror and see a healthy beautiful woman staring back at me. I guess I just feel easily defeated because I see my flaws and can't seem to think I can fix them. I want my tummy gone, my arms and legs tinier, and the rest of me tighter. Maybe I'm lazy, I'm not sure, I guess in a way I feel like i've already failed, so I figure why keep trying.
Well I want to have babies someday that's what I keep in my mind. I want to be able to get pregnant and have a wonderful pregnancy and a healthy baby. Knowing how badly I want to be a mom, that is now, at this time in my life, driving me to want to be better and make a change.
I know that eating disorders don't ever leave, I'm well aware of that, I struggle with it every day of my life. My mind plays tricks on me whispering that I can only have one normal meal a day, the rest just snacks. Its a poisonous way of thinking. I dont care if I have to struggle with it for the rest of my life, as long as I get one step ahead of it and start making a bigger difference in my life, I know I can do it.
I gotta start sometime and it might as well be now....
